the start of something beautiful

now I lay here owing my life to a stranger
and I realize that empty words are not enough
I'm left here with the question of just
what have I to show except the promises I never kept?
I lie here shaking on this bed, under the weight of my regrets

I want to do too many things. I'm going to stop wanting and start doing. I'm going to live my life to the fullest, all for His glory, in a way that I don't have to live with any more regrets. Hopefully, I can use this blog to document what I'm doing to change the way I live, starting tonight (or technically, this morning).

Reread Isiah 58. Jon Shieh shared this chapter with me at night prayer yesterday. It's about true fasting, how when we fast we grumble and complain about it. We are barely giving up one day, or for some people, weeks, for the Lord and all we can do is talk about how hungry we are or how much we miss Facebook. Fasting is all about the Lord. We should be taking the food that we would have eaten that day and feeding the homeless, the poor, the broken, both physically and spiritually. Every day should be a fast, a fast from the norms of this world, an attempt to break free from Satan's grip on our hearts and our minds.

Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter - when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

Isiah 58: 6-7

When the opportunity arises for me to feed the hungry, to clothe the naked, to pray for the broken, will I be able to?

Cloudy with a chance of... Vanilla Heath Bar Crunch???

As I was watching Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs just now I realized that the relationship between Flint and his dad is actually very similar to my own relationship with my dad. I don't want to stereotype, but the typical Asian father-son relationship is one of awkward silences and unspoken feelings for one another. My mom is a teacher, and I grew up always seeing my mom for that reason. We always got out of school at the same time and she would come pick me and my brother up after school. She would always ask us how our day was, no matter how many times we told her how annoying she was, and always make us say "I love you" before we go anywhere without her. She'd make us grilled cheese sandwiches and quesadillas and give us cut up apples with peanut butter (which sound extremely delectable right now) no matter how full we said we were. She made sure to annoy us by saying it every time she saw us walking around the house and giving us kisses at every chance she got. Even though I would roll my eyes back and say "yeah whatever" and "ewww gross, go away," the point was made: my mom really REALLY loved me. Now, onto my dad. I rarely saw him at home. He would come home from work a few hours before my bedtime, which would be spent eating dinner and then watching some tv before his bedtime. The most I interacted with him whilst he was home was me trying to scare him in the hallway when he came into the house from the garage. Other than that and the occasional "NICKY come give abba a hug and ask him how work was" from my mom I would never really talk to him. I made no real effort to talk to him; he gave an equal amount of effort back trying to talk to me. As the years went by it got worse and worse. As a high school student going through puberty I could care less about how my parents days were or how they were doing, everything was about me, me, me.

After seeing all the scenes in the movie where Flint looks for his dad's approval and any hint of love, I realized, "wow, story of my life." I'm always hoping that my dad will approve; approve of my career choice, my school, my relationship with God, my friends, my whole entire life. I've been really reevaluating my relationship with my parents this past month and watching this movie that was probably targeted towards 7 year olds has really helped to realize something that I hope I had realized years ago: I don't have to be perfect for my dad to approve of what I do. He already loves me. He loved me when I was a whiny little toddler, when I was a sneaky middle schooler selling lunch tickets to buy pizza hut at school, even when I had a hormonal imbalance in high school. He loved me yesterday, he loved me today, and he will love me tomorrow. He will love me no matter what. All I need to do is try my hardest at everything at I do and he will be proud of me. How can I have been so thick headed to not realize that until now?

I know the chances are zero that my dad will read this but...

I love you abba!! I hope that I can openly express this more often and make sure that you know that I love you and I really appreciate everything that you've done for me so far. I know you think that I take everything for granted, and up till now, I really have. I've finally realized how much you've sacrificed for me to go to school with no financial aid, to pay for my housing, and to pay for Darricke's tuition as well as taking us on vacations everywhere. So thank you!! And I love you!!


After writing all that... I now know that the reason why my walk with God hasn't been so great lately is because I forgot why He put me here. I must must MUST start working hard for His glory and to really lift Him up in EVERYTHING I do. Starting riiiiggghhhhtttt now. I can tell this is gonna be really hard.


I really liked Steve. I want a monkey minion. That'd be the greatest.

Oh, and sorry to any poor soul that actually reads this huge wall of text. It was really only meant for me to get my thoughts down onto paper (so to speak).